EDITING
SAMPLES FROM ACADEMIC CLIENT PROJECTS
SAMPLE 1 (excerpt from a class paper—education)
Original
Many of my high school teachers had only a certain amount of time to
focus on certain aspects of a particular subject that they were teaching
their students. They could not spend a longer period on a certain section even
if it was of interest to them or the students. They often complained that
they were unable to spend a long time on an issue that was of interest to the
students because they were required to teach students a certain amount of
subsections or issues of a particular subject in order to specialize them in
that subject as a whole. Teachers willingly comply with the directives that
superiors issue because of the loyalty those teachers as subordinates have
for their immediate superior the principal. This is the reason teachers do
not or are not willing to stray from the regulations or directives
superimposed on them. |
With tracking/color insertion Many of my |
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Many of my high-school teachers had only limited time to focus on subjects
to be taught. As a result, they often complained of being unable to spend
sufficient time on an issue of interest to the students, because they were
required to teach a set number of subsections of a particular subject in
order for students to specialize in that subject as a whole. Yet teachers,
even while harboring such dissatisfaction, willingly comply with the
directives that superiors issue because of the loyalty they as subordinates
have to their immediate superior, the principal. Thus, teachers either do not
or are not willing to stray from the regulations or directives superimposed
on them. |
SAMPLE 2 (excerpt from a college application essay)
Original
There are many reasons why I want to do work in this field. One very important reason is the
prevalence of language and speech disorders among children and adults. I want to contribute and help these
children and adults so they can become better effective communicators. Communication is an important and vital
need in our society. Because of
severe speech problems, some people may be unable to use the traditional
communication channels. This is what
drives me to enter into a field that can effectively help people modify and
alter their communication abilities. Speech Language Pathologist have helped
to prevent, identify, evaluate, treat, and rehabilitate communication
disorders across the entire spectrum.
Another reason I am intrigued, is by the diversity of the field. Who could become board in this field with
all the possibilities? There are so
many different avenues that can be explored, for example aphasia, oral motor
disorders or language disorders. One of the main reasons I am drawn to your
program is the fact that you allow your students to explore all paths of this
field. .So far I have had most of my
clinical experience working with pre-school children but I am excited to work
with older children and adults. The
etiologies of the disorders are also very interesting. There are so many things that are unknown,
which allows room for so much research.
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My most important reason for choosing a career in speech language
pathology is the prevalence of language and speech disorders among children
and adults. Because of severe speech problems, many people may be unable to
use the traditional communication channels that are vital tools in our
society. Wanting to contribute by helping these children and adults become
more effective communicators, I am attracted to a field directed at preventing,
identifying, evaluating, treating, and rehabilitating communication disorders
across the entire spectrum. I am also
intrigued by the diversity of the field, by the many different avenues to be
explored, including aphasia, oral motor disorders, or language disorders. A
major reason I am drawn to your program is that you allow your students to
explore all these paths. The
etiologies of the disorders also interest me greatly. The many things still unknown allow room
for tremendous research. |
SAMPLE 3 (excerpt from a class paper—philosophy)
Original
We will begin by stating what Cavell means a private language in
Wittgenstein's idea. The private
language becomes problematic when you cannot understand what a word says; the
word has some meaning, but it is not right to you, and I might convey my
thought highly subjective. Therefore,
the private language is a medley of "sounds which no one else
understands but which I 'appear to
understand' might be called a "private language" (PI,
§269). One often writes down her inner experience perhaps in a certain way
that no one can easily understand what it is. Suppose that every time someone feels pain of being estranged
from those around her, she records a certain sensation she has as a sign
"E" on a calendar. We
wonder what she means by the sign "E". Although she could discuss with us, she seems to be afraid to
fail to express what her pain is well in a language that can be shared with
us, and perhaps she believes that she might confuse us when she speaks
up. The problem here is, as Wittgenstein
states in PI, §243 that she has not sense to speak to us and uses a
language or her inventing a sign "E" that we do not know what it
is, so we are left with the sign "E" even if we want to help her. |
With tracking/color insertion and comments
It is considered bad style (and by some, incorrect
grammar) to keep shifting pronoun point of view. |
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Without tracking
[See comment at end of paragraph] What
specifically does Cavell mean by a “private language” in the work of
Wittgenstein? Such private language
occurs when a word has an intended meaning, but others might not grasp the
meaning because the thought is conveyed in a highly subjective manner. Therefore, a medley of "sounds which
no one else understands but which I 'appear
to understand' might be called a private language" (PI,
§269). [When incorporating quotes into your syntax,
you need to keep track of standard grammatical structure.] For example, an individual may write down
her inner experience in a certain way that no one else can easily
understand. If every time she feels
the pain of being estranged from those around her, she records a certain
sensation she has as a sign "E" on a calendar, others may wonder
what she means by the sign, "E".
Although she could discuss it, she seems to be afraid of failing to
express her pain well in a language that can be shared, and perhaps she
believes that she might confuse others when she speaks up. The problem here is, as Wittgenstein
states (PI,§243), that she has not sense to speak and uses a private
language or invented sign "E" unintelligible to others who
therefore cannot help her. It is considered bad style (and by some, incorrect
grammar) to keep shifting pronoun point of view. |
SAMPLE 4 (excerpt from a research paper—economics)
Original
Preston suggests several reasons
why the capitalism should be destroyed. His views on economic factors in that
period have been recognized as great ones and have affected a lot on the
current economics. However, apparently his predictions on the collapse of
capitalism and appearance of socialism do not happen. Oppositely, in these
days, socialism has broken down. In addition, there are many errors that have
founded on his theory that does not match with this days like three arguments
aforementioned. Nevertheless, the fact that how exactly he pointed out
problems of capitalism which has appeared with getting attentions for 50
years is really remarkable.
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insertion
Preston suggests several reasons
why
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Without tracking
Preston suggests several reasons
why capitalism should be destroyed, and his views on economic factors, ideas
that have greatly affected current economics, have been recognized as great
ones for his time. However, apparently his predictions on the collapse of
capitalism and appearance of socialism have not come to pass. On the
contrary, today it is socialism that has broken down. In addition, his theory
proposes many erroneous assumptions, like the three arguments aforementioned,
that are contrary to current situations. Nevertheless, that he exactly
pointed out problems of capitalism that have appeared and commanded attention
for 50 years is really remarkable.
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Original
My biology high school teacher has a wonderful personality. She was
close to the student and at the same time has her respect as a teacher. She
has a quite personality, which allows all the student to talk and ask when
ever they want. When she was explaining some subject, she was always trying
to make it simple and acceptable to understand. She is the kind of people who
understand others circumstances for example, if some of the students could
not attend the quiz she will listen to the reasons that kept the student for
not attending the quiz and she gave her another chance. She was so
corporative with all the students. Academically, she was so versed in her
specialty. She has a strong self confident and that make her more strong and
expert in her subject. |
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My high-school biology teacher had a wonderful personality. She was
close to the students but at the same time was respected as a teacher. A
quiet person who allowed students to talk and ask questions whenever they
wanted, when she explained material, she always tried to make it simple and
easily understandable. She was also the kind of person who understands the
circumstances of others; for example, if a student could not attend a quiz,
she would listen to the reasons why then give her a chance to make it up. She
cooperated in this way equally with all the students. Academically, she was
so well versed in her specialty that she was extremely self-confident, which
in turn made her even stronger and more expert in her subject. |
SAMPLE 6 (excerpt from a
business article)
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Original Most customers experience the attribution process relating to
purchase. Customers can work much more attribution process with regard to purchase
on online, rather than on offline because customers on online cannot use the
best their senses-look, taste, feel, smell, and sound. They just use their
experiences, brand, advertising, word-of-mouth. The negative attribution on
satisfaction shows the minus (-) impact to repurchase intention. Thus,
manager should tract continuous the customer responses after customer bought.
This might provide feedback to company and help customer enhance positively
the perception by the negative attribution. It is based on constant
development of the Internet technologies. Both tracking effective customer
and building database can impact to the company’s long-term development. |
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insertion
Most customers experience the attribution process |
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Without tracking
Most customers experience the attribution process related to
purchase. With regard to purchases
online rather than offline, such attribution processes are more focused because
customers online cannot use their senses—look, taste, feel, smell, and sound.
They simply draw upon their experiences, brand name, advertising, and
word-of-mouth. A negative attribution on satisfaction shows the minus (-)
impact on repurchase intention. Thus, managers should continuously track
customer responses after customer purchase. Such follow-up might provide
feedback to the company and help them enhance positive customer perception to
counteract negative attribution. Even though tracking requires constant
development of Internet technologies, both effective customer tracking and
the building of a database can positively impact the company’s long-term
development. |
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